Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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