I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
