I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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