Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize