Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
