Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
