Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
