We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
