just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize