How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
