so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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