Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
