I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
