mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Come see our sink grown plant.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I fill condoms, not promises.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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