Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
where are you?
Hypothermia
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
