You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
