You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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