We're like a lot better than the average bears
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize