I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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