why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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