I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
