Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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