wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
