Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
