Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
