I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
