Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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