She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
