You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
