If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
