no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
