I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
