what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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