I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
