So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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