I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
