When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
