i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
