I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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