Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize