yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
