I'm so fucking centered right now
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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