i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
