i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
