he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
