I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
