everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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