It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
im six kinds of drunk right now
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
