rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
