We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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