I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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