Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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