It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
