I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
