Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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