I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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