Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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