ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
