I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
