i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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