If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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