Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Drake has all the answers
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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