I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize