I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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