i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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