You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
